The mission of the international organization, The ManKind Project (MKP), is to help men become kinder, more courageous versions of themselves. The way they go about that doesn’t feel kind when you first experience it.
It feels intimidating and downright frightening.
Although the process is geared toward men, it can be easily applied to women. However, since I’m not a woman, I must tell this story from a man’s perspective. Bear with me.
Tell the truth.
When a new man joins MKP, he is told that there is only one rule.
Tell the truth.
That one rule, to tell the truth, causes more men to leave MKP than anything else. They can’t handle the truth. Do you know any men like that? I thought so.
MKP is not a cult, and it is not psychotherapy. It is a place to strip away all the protective layers we all wrap ourselves in and expose our authentic selves to the world.
It takes courage to walk naked into the blizzard.
It’s like walking naked into a blizzard.
While MKP is a men’s group, the concrete emotional and psychological truths experienced there pertain to everyone, and I mean everyone, including you.
MKP consists of small groups of men scattered worldwide. Here is a common question that we use to begin our 2+ hour discussions…
What is it about myself that I don’t want you to know?
That’s a full-fledged holy shit moment.
You can tell in an instant when a man replies to that question if he is full of BS or if he is speaking courageously from his core.
Some men can’t do that, so they remain silent or say something trivial.
Yes, it takes courage to walk naked into YOUR blizzard.
What I don’t want you to know about me.
This was my response when I last responded to this question.
“My name is John. What I don’t want you to know about me is that I’m 68 years old and financially dependent on a woman who does not trust me.”
My partner and I were once married for twenty years and divorced in 2019. After a year of couples therapy, we reunited. I asked her two days ago why she hadn’t given me medical power of attorney, electing only to give it to her two grown sons. I wasn’t expecting her response.
“You’ve asked me this question three times, and I have always avoided telling you the truth. I do not trust you. I don’t trust you financially, and I do not trust you to make health care decisions on my behalf.”
I thought I was going to puke on the spot.
“Now what the fuck do I do?” I thought to myself. If you’re like me, you don’t censor your inner thoughts.
“I don’t have enough income to move out. I am dependent on this woman who has now shared that she doesn’t trust me. I am scared shitless.”
After my partner disclosed her feelings, I responded,
“I have no idea how to maintain an intimate relationship with someone who does not trust me. We have just returned from a 7-week trip to Australia and Nepal, which cost $30,000. I slept beside you that entire time. You have made plans for the two of us to fly back to Australia next year… and you don’t trust me?”
Her response?
“How many years did you sleep with me when we were married, while deceiving me about your finances?”
I answered,
“I cannot relive the past. I have apologized as profusely as I was able for my behavior. We went through a year of intense, painful therapy together. You can choose to hold onto your anger, resentment, and mistrust for as long as you wish. I let mine go years ago.”
Courage is risky and seldom glamorous.
Here’s where the risky, scare-the-crap-out-of-you nature of courage revealed itself.
Courage isn’t always pretty, and those times you need it most are when you are most exposed and fragile. Do you pull the blankets over your head and cry? Or do you walk into that blizzard, naked, and speak your truth?
I chose the latter.
Who are you - really?
When I first joined MKP, I was asked to select what we call an “Inner Essence Name,” a name that reflected the core of who we knew ourselves to be.
Still cowering under the blankets, I chose “Equanimity.”
For me, Equanimity was the coward within me speaking. Equanimity is not threatening; rather, it is demure and submissive. I was afraid to share what was lurking within me. But in February of this year, that lurking power roared.
At a regular scheduled MKP meeting in Durango, I announced that I needed to discard “Equanimity.” The group leader asked me to stand in the middle of the room.
“John, tell us who you wish to be known as. What is your essence?”
Snow Leopard
Tears rolled down my cheeks like streams of syrup.
“I choose Snow Leopard as my Essence Name.”
“And why Snow Leopard?” the leader asked.
Before I answer that question, let me describe the situation in that room.
I was surrounded by seven men - a doctor, a therapist, a contractor, a US Forest Ranger, a retired businessman, a firefighter, and a small business owner. Good, strong, and decent men. Their love for me was unconditional.
“A snow leopard is an apex predator. It is as magnificently powerful as it is beautiful. It rages at evil and fights courageously to protect those that it loves. It is unapologetic about its strength.”
When I finished, the seven men stood up, and one at a time came up to me, embraced me, and said,
“Welcome, Snow Leopard.”
Is this ‘Essence Name” stuff BS?
I’ll be brutally honest here. Some of you may read this and think to yourself, “This is so hokey and so ridiculous. It does indeed sound like a cult.”
I don’t care. I just spoke my truth. But more importantly, I want you to know your truth. When you do, your soul will begin to heal and to grow.
Who are you? I want to know.
What do you dream of? What does that critical, demeaning voice in your head say to you when it raises its ugly voice?
Do you have a voice that talks back to that ugly one? If so, that’s the Voice, with a capital V, that I want to know more about.
What is your inner essence? You’ll know that you have discovered it when you can walk naked into the freezing cold and know you will be okay. You’ll be more than OK. You will be powerful beyond measure.