The nurse stripped me naked in front of strangers, accusing me of bleeding on purpose and soiling the bandage on my groin.
I lay there, humiliated and in pain, not just from the wound in my body but from the one that had punctured my spirit.
I retreated into the Cave.
A Deal with the Devil: A Faustian Bargain
In a classic German legend, Johann Faust was a brilliant scholar who struck a deal with the devil. In exchange for his soul, he would be granted unlimited knowledge and worldly pleasures. It’s the origin of the term “Faustian bargain”—a deal so sinister, and the price so severe, that it ultimately leads to devastation.
Some refer to such bargains as “pyrrhic victories” - when the costs far outweigh the benefits.
Few things wound the human spirit more than the loss of control.
Which makes Faustian bargains all the more pernicious, for they all include an “abandonment of control” clause.
Control over your life is no laughing matter.
Psychologists identify perceived control as a foundational component of well-being. When it is stripped from us, we experience a cascade of physical and psychological sufferings.
I work principally with parents of teenagers who are caught in the throes of a predatory college admissions process that stealthily promises a lifetime of wealth and happiness. But it’s a Faustian bargain.
All you have to do is cough up your freedom and abandon who you are.
Parents pay tens of thousands of dollars to enter into this agreement, unaware of what their children are sacrificing. It’s my job to show them, before they sign that agreement.
However, these pernicious Faustian bargains are not confined to college admissions; they are ubiquitous.
Stories of surrender.
A young mother finds herself in an abusive relationship and is terrified of what will happen to her and her children if she leaves. So she agrees to stay.
A middle-aged man with a mortgage and two kids in college is emotionally exhausted after showing up every day at a job that sucks his soul dry. But he has bills to pay, so he agrees to remain at that job.
A hospital administrator retires, and her spouse of forty years dies shortly thereafter. She finds herself alone for the first time in decades and is afraid of meeting someone new because she fears retaliation from her grown children. So she agrees to remain isolated and lonely.
A seventy-year-old man is in a financially dependent relationship where he is never seen and valued for who he is, but believes he has no other option but to remain. So, he agrees to stay.
Faustian bargains appear anywhere you decide that the price of living courageously is too high. So you do nothing. You hide. You play small.
Not all Faustian bargains end in flames.
Some end in a Cave — a quiet place we crawl into after making a deal we’re not proud of but don’t know how to undo.
I call it the” Cave of False Comfort.”
The Cave of False Comfort.
The Cave feels safe at first — warm, familiar, even hopeful. We tell ourselves we made the right trade. At least we’re surviving. At least we’re not alone.
But over time, the Cave becomes something else: a holding cell lined with our justifications. We start shrinking our needs, silencing our truth, and making ourselves small enough to fit inside the Cave.
But the Cave is nothing more than a story we've built to protect someone else's comfort, not our own.
In the legend, Faust doesn’t get dragged to hell. No, he endures something far worse.
He stops writing.
His soul seeps out of him.
He stops living.
I know this Cave. I’m in it now.
My Comfort Cave
I first entered it when I was at my most vulnerable — newly released from that hospital bed, disoriented and afraid. I reached for someone I had once loved. I told myself that her comfort was real.
And for a while, it was.
But now I live in a house I don’t own, in a relationship I can’t name, in a role I didn’t agree to play. I help care for her future and that of her children, while my own feels invisible. And I’m terrified to speak because the Cave still offers one thing I can’t afford to lose: a roof over my head.
That’s the agony of the Cave
I can leave it. But I might be cold.
I might be alone.
I might lose the last bit of illusion that once held me together.
But staying?
It means dying by degrees.
There is no life worth living in the Cave.
A friend taught at the same school for twenty-three years. It was a place that offered her a stable paycheck and the opportunity to work with remarkable kids. But it came with an exorbitant price tag.
All she had to do was comply with rules and regulations that stifled the spirits of both children and their teachers.
The art of teaching meant nothing to her administration. What mattered was babysitting. As long as there was a breathing adult in each classroom, they could charge $50,000 per year in tuition and perpetuate the “brand.”
She signed a Faustian agreement. She traded her soul for money and security. She continued until she could no longer tolerate it. The only thing that allowed her to rip up her agreement and escape was courage.
To manage her fear and anxiety, she willfully entered the Cave.
For twenty-three years, she ceded control of her life to a group of administrators who showed no concern for her, her profession, or her students. She was no more than a body.
Finally, she was ready to tear up her Faustian bargain; she was also ready to exit her Cave.
Life is not worth living within the Cave.
We all enter the Cave at least once.
High school students cede control of their lives when they suppress who they truly are to impress people on a college admissions committee whom they have never met. They do this even when there is no evidence that the college they choose to attend has any effect on life satisfaction or earning potential.
They, like all people who enter the Cave, have a choice.
Let me reword that…You have a choice IF you are aware of your Faustian bargain to begin with and your presence in the Cave.
How do you release yourself from imprisonment?
Granting yourself freedom and control
When you are ready to sit down in a room, all alone, and confront the agreement you have “signed,” real change will begin. If this step doesn’t happen, you are not leaving the Cave.
When you are ready to look into a mirror in that room and say to yourself,
“I will no longer wait for someone else to choose me.
I choose myself—because only in that choice can I begin to live the life I dream of, the life I’m strong enough to create. I don’t expect anyone to rescue me. It is only by seizing the courage to tear up my punishing agreement that I will be able to love others and myself abundantly.”
When you take control over your life, you are like the wrongfully-imprisoned inmate set free.
You set the agenda.
You create the relationships you want and avoid the ones you don’t.
You speak your truth and refuse to play small.
I wish I could tell you that there were “Six Steps to Courage,” but that isn’t real.
The only way to ignite the embers within you is to enter that room alone and have that conversation in the mirror.
I help people have that conversation.
What Faustian bargain have you made?
What price have you paid?
Are the people you love well-served by your bargain?
Are you ready to choose yourself?
If so, I’m here to walk beside you—out of the Cave, and into the life that was always yours to claim.
You don’t have to walk out of the Cave alone.
If you’re standing at the edge—ready to reclaim your voice, but unsure how—I offer 1:1 support for people just like you.
Reach out. Let’s begin with a conversation.
Choose yourself and schedule a free 30-minute Courage Session by clicking the button below.
If you have a friend who is struggling to escape their Cave, share The Courageous Human with them.